Meet the Mehs

Meet the mehs, meet the mehs;
Step right up and beat the mehs.

They'll win two here, and they'll lose three there;
Guaranteed to make you pull out your hair.
Because the mehs are really killing their fans;
While their fool of a skipper sits on his hands.

Not....bad.....

Not....good....

Really bland is what they are....

So meet the M-E-H-S mehs;
They won't go far.

Oh, the manager is a dummy and can't get them ready to play...
What does he do?
He blames the press!

Oh, he's hollerin' 'bout Isiah and Herm Edwards yesterday...
What does he do?
He blames the press!

All the fans are ill at this unending swill,
They shake their heads and say "no thanks"...
So they grab their remotes and flip on YES,

To laugh at the Yanks.

One more time!

Meet the mehs, meet the mehs...

Mets Win NL East On Last Game Of Season Behind Glavine's Gem

Dear readers,

Sigh. Let's just close our eyes, switch some uniforms around, and dream...

September 30, 2007

NEW YORK, NY

Clutch, gutty, phenomenal.

With the Mets' backs to to the collective wall, they turned to a future Hall of Famer to rescue them.

And boy, did Tom Glavine ever come through.

The Mets cruised to an easy 6-1 victory today against the Florida Marlins on the last game of the regular season, clinching their second straight NL East title, effectively erasing weeks of shoddy, subpar play and burying the Philadelphia Phillies' late surge.

And they did it with a starting pitching performance for the ages.

Glavine started the game with a hiccup, allowing a solo HR to Dan Uggla in the first inning, and then letting the Marlins load the bases with one out. Nobody knew it at the time, but that was the only threat the Marlins would muster. Mike Jacobs lined out to third, Matt Treanor flied meekly to right, and just like that, Glavine was out of it.

Given a reprieve of sorts, the Mets bats got the run right back in the bottom of the first with a leadoff double by the previously slumping Jose Reyes, who was driven in with a single by Carlos Beltran. After that, the Mets would keep tacking on, with runs in the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and, finally, a two-run blast by David Wright in the 7th, mounting a 6-1 lead.

Hitting coach Howard Johnson beamed following the game about the Met hitters' patient approach. "We really worked some deep counts. It seemed like we were ahead in every at-bat," Johnson said. "That was the gameplan, and it worked out."

Willie Randolph agreed. "I trust my guys. And today they played with fire and intensity," said Randolph. "Looks like I finally got through to them. And not a moment too soon."

As for Glavine, in one of the biggest games in franchise history, he was simply untouchable as he masterfully set down seventeen Marlins in a row after the first inning. Aaron Heilman and Billy Wagner closed it out, setting off a wild celebration at Shea that spilled out onto the field for the second year in a row.

Afterwards, in the clubhouse, a champagne-soaked Tom Glavine was asked to describe his stuff. "In a word?" he asked.

"Devastating."

The Race Card

As many of you have heard by now, in a discussion of fan criticism with Ian O'Connor of the Bergen Record, Willie Randolph very gently laid down the race card the other day. Here is the relevant excerpt:

Randolph excluded Ozzie Guillen from the conversation, but wanted to know why the traits often admired in the calm, cool and collected likes of Joe Torre are portrayed as flaws in Torre's former third base coach.

"Is it racial?" Randolph asked. "Huh? It smells a little bit."

Asked directly if he believes black managers are held to different standards than their white counterparts, Randolph said: "I don't know how to put my finger on it, but I think there's something there. Herman Edwards did pretty well here and he won a couple of playoff [games], and they were pretty hard on Herm. Isiah [Thomas] didn't do a great job, but they beat up Isiah pretty good. ... I don't know if people are used to a certain figurehead. There's something weird about it."

Since I have been a very vocal critic of Willie this year, I have to address this. First, based on the quotes as they've been presented in this column, it appears to me that Willie raised the race issue before O'Connor said a word about it (O'Connor proceeded to follow up with a direct question about it). So, unless I'm mistaken about that, I don't anyone can say Willie was baited into saying anything he said.

Second, Willie....look, you seem to be a nice guy. I respect everything you've accomplished as a player. You seem to have lots of friends in the game and people who respect you. And there's no way I'm going to sit here and second guess you if you think you're being discriminated against. But let's break this down logically:

[Randolph] wanted to know why the traits often admired in the calm, cool and collected likes of Joe Torre are portrayed as flaws in Torre's former third base coach.

Um, Willie? JOE TORRE HAS FOUR RINGS. End of discussion.

Well, one more thing: many of the Yankee fans I know were sick and tired of Torre's "calm, cool and collected" style over the past few seasons. Wanna know why? He stopped winning rings.

"Is it racial?" Randolph asked. "Huh? It smells a little bit." I don't think so. Art Howe was the consummate bump on the consummate log, and he was absolutely brutalized by Met fans. Also, Willie seems to be discounting something, and that is: you lost in the 2006 NLCS to a significantly less talented Cardinals team, and you completely pissed away the division last year. Don't you think these facts have something to do with the fans' discontent?

Asked directly if he believes black managers are held to different standards than their white counterparts, Randolph said: "I don't know how to put my finger on it, but I think there's something there. Herman Edwards did pretty well here and he won a couple of playoff [games], and they were pretty hard on Herm." Well, I'm not a Jet fan, but as I recall, Herm Edwards was given a good, long chance to succeed in New York, and had some very fine traits (his players loved him and played hard for him), but he was an abysmal in-game coach and had the clock-management skills of a retarded sloth. These qualities, not his skin color, are what inflamed Jet fans.

"Isiah [Thomas] didn't do a great job, but they beat up Isiah pretty good." Good googly-moogly, where do I even begin here? Where exactly does "Isiah didn't do a great job" rank in the Understatement Hall of Fame? I'll say 2nd, just ahead of "Roger Cedeno wasn't a very good baserunner" and right behind "George W. Bush hasn't been a very good President." There's no way in hell the name of Isiah Thomas -- world's worst executive, serial madman, and sexual harrasser -- should be brought into this conversation. Willie loses any crediblity he might otherwise have had with this remark.

"I don't know if people are used to a certain figurehead. There's something weird about it." Look, one can't deny that racial issues pervade just about everything to some degree. It seems trite to say this, but the fans care about one thing, and that's winning. You win, we'll love you. You lose, we won't love you. You woefully underachieve for with a high-priced roster, we'll dislike you.

And if you woefully underachieve for with a high-priced roster AND preside over a monumental and historic regular season collapse, well, many of us are going to say you should be fired.

Final thought: If one wanted to raise the race card, here's where it might be legit: Jerry Reese. In his very first year as GM, this guy did an absolutely phenomenal job putting together the 2007-08 Giants' roster, and had the rookies who he drafted making big play after big play in the playoffs (Smith, Boss, Bradshaw, etc.). But who gets all the credit for the Giants' ring? Coughlin and Eli. I think Reese deserved a hell of a lot more praise than he got from both the fans and the media. Racial issue? Who knows, but I think that argument makes some sense there.

Willie? Not so much.

***

OK, final final thought: The Mets are facing Tom Glavine this afternoon. I don't think I've wanted to beat up on a pitcher this much since the Shawn Estes/Roger Clemens game in 2002. Hopefully all the guys who were here last year take out all their lingering 2007 frustration on his weak-ass stuff today. Please let it happen.

F-----g Shocker!!

OK, let's get this out of the way first, before we go any further:

To my true Yankee fan friends (Lurker, Dominick, etc.): Tough weekend for you guys. I suspect you're missing A-Rod and Posada more than anyone even knows, but the Yanks really seem like a poorly-constructed team this year - too many lefties, no speed on the basepaths, can't manufacture runs without home runs, huge, gaping holes at the 4th and 5th starter spots, and a bullpen filled with painfully mediocre arms not named Joba or Mo. I think it'll be a tough road to make the playoffs this time around, but best of luck to you.

To the Yankee troll who recently polluted my comments section: BWWAAAAAH HA HA HA. Nice series, you motherless fuck. Good to see your worthless bunch of steroid cheats and cross-dressers couldn't even take one game off the slumping "MUTTS" in your own park with your two best starters throwing. Maybe Giambi should start passing around his HGH instead of his soiled ladies' underwear. Good luck trying to catch up to the Tampa Bay Ray juggernaut. AH HA HA HA! p.s. - nice inning, Joba.

There, that's better.

Now, some analysis:

(1) Lord only knows what goes on in those pre-game meetings, but perhaps this one had some effect. Willie's boys appeared to play uncharacterisically crisp, inspired, and error-free baseball (save for yet another Reyes baserunning gaffe last night - sheesh). Whether they keep it up for more than two games, of course, remains to be seen.

(2) Managerial competence alert! Managerial competence alert! In the 6th or 7th inning, with the game still relatively close and Perez starting to tire, ESPN showed Smith and Feliciano starting to get loose in the bullpen. Aaron Heilman was nowhere to be found. Praise freaking Jeebus. Willie may actually be starting to catch on.

(3) Managerial incompetence alert! Managerial incompetence alert! OK, this one isn't that big a deal, but I didn't understand why Marlon Anderson got the start in LF against Wang instead of Endy, who's literally starving for at-bats right now. Plus, with a big-time ground ball pitcher on the mound for the Yankees, wouldn't you want Endy's speed on the basepaths the whole game? Maybe it's one of those "gut" things.

(4) I suppose last night's game ball should go to Ollie, but I'm giving it to Ryan Church, who is just unstoppable right now - at the dish AND in the field. Just the total package. By the way, does anyone else find it interesting that the only two position players who HAVEN'T dogged their way through the first month and a half of the season are the two guys who weren't here last year, Church and Schneider? There's no way in hell that's a coincidence. Just wait until Willie works his magic on them, too. Sigh.

(5) Speaking of Willie, how marvelous was it that Jerry Manuel - not Willie - is the one who got thrown out arguing the Delgado HR call. Hysterical. Incidentally, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but couldn't one make the case that Jerry may have, on some level, done that for the benefit of Mets management to show he's a fighter, just in case, you know, they need a new manager at some point soon? He'd never admit it, of course, but it made me go "hmmmm....."

Finally, the Mets were on Sunday Night Baseball, and you know what that means: Except for you lucky ducks at the game, we were all forced to endure three physically excruciating hours of Joe "I'm about to tell you something you already know, about something that already happened, and expect you to think I'm a genius for saying it" Morgan. And man oh man, was he ever in rare form last night. After the first inning, I decided to turn on the old computer and keep a running tally of it all. Here are a few of his beauties, with some of my commentary to follow. Please keep in mind that these are ACTUAL FUCKING QUOTES:

(1) "I've always said, leadoff walks are worse than other walks, because you give the other team a better chance of bringing that run around." Is that a fact, you Baseball Copernicus, you? Please....tell us more! For we, the retarded masses, are watching a baseball game for the first time, and we had no idea that leadoff walks were a bad thing. What else do you know that we don't? Share, for the love of God, share!!

(2) "Why isn't Joe Girardi judged by same standard as Willie Randolph? The Yankees are a last-place team right now." Every now and then, Morgan will sprinkle a little "food for thought" point in with his game-long tutorial. Strangely, these points will often revolve around Morgan defending someone who's either (a) his close personal friend, (b) a current or former middle infielder, or, like Willie Randolph, (c) both. Probably a coincidence. Anyway, this was a splendid comparison right here, and it really made me think. I mean, he's right - both Willie Randolph and Joe Girardi presided over the worst regular season collapse in baseball history, right? Both Willie Randolph and Joe Girardi are missing their two best hitters - one of whom is the best hitter in baseball - to injuries, right? Both Willie Randolph and Joe Girardi have won Manager of the Year awards, right? Both Willie Randolph and Joe Girardi are a mere 45 games into their tenure with their team, and deserve some time to work things out, right? Just a fabulous comparison here.

(3) "I watched the Celtics game today. That was a big time basketball game." You know, that's why I love Joe Morgan - he doesn't just stop at telling us everything we already knew about baseball. Oh, lord, no. He tells us everything we already knew about basketball as well! Bonus!!

(4) [after Giambi is issued a leadoff walk and advances to second on a groundout] "See, now, that's what I meant about leadoff walks - Now Giambi is a second and you're in trouble." Sweet. Seeing as how we didn't know leadoff walks were bad before you told us, it's really cool having a concrete example to work with. How fortuitous!

(5) "Oliver Perez is clearly more comfortable throwing to lefties than righties." Another beauty! I certainly couldn't have figured this one out by the fact that lefties are hitting .100 against him. To do that, I'd have to actually, you know, read my TV screen after ESPN puts up that stat. And who wants to read?

(6) "That's why I keep telling people shortstop is much harder to play than first base or the outfield. You have a smaller glove, and you have to be able to turn those double-plays." I swear on everything that is good and holy this is an actual fucking quote. I can't even think of anything to say here.

(7) "I've preached this theory for years and years" - oooh, I can't wait to hear this one - this should be a dandy - "not every pitcher's mistake leaves the park. A lot get fouled back." Yes, he's "preached that for years and years." I thank God every day that I'm blessed enough to be in his congregation.

(8) "In a tight ballgame, one run makes a difference." I think I've run out of responses at this point. I'm on empty here.

(9) [after ESPN shows a reporter interviewing the fan sitting by the foul pole in left field] "They call him a "reporter." I call him a 'journalist.'" Well, you call yourself an "analyst." I call you "a fucking douchebag." Ah, that's better. I got my step back.

(10) [after Wright tags up and scores on a sac fly] "The replay is gonna show that Wright left third base too early." [after replay shows Morgan is full of shit] "Well, his upper body left too early. His feet didn't." Note - there was not a trace of humor or irony in that statement by Mr. Morgan. He seriously wanted you to know that Wright's "upper body left too early," but his feet didn't. I don't even know what to do with this information.

(11) "One thing about Pedro Martinez: he knows how to pitch." Perhaps Pedro's first-ballot Hall of Fame numbers tipped him off to this little nugget.

(12) [let's end on a real bang here - following Reyes' home run] "You know what I like about that? He ran around the bases. He hits a home run, and he runs around the bases."

Please God....never again....no more Mets on Sunday Night Baseball. Let them play at 4 a.m. Sunday morning if you have to, but no more of this.

Pathetic

If you want to know why Willie Randolph should be fired, the evidence was staring you in the face during yesterday's game.

No, I'm not talking about the fluky and soul-crushing 3-5 double-play that ended the game.

I'm not talking about the well-intentioned but utterly ludicrous decision by Jose Reyes to try to take an extra base in the 8th.

I'm not talking about the Mets compiling three piddling little hits and no runs against a pitcher who came into the game with an ERA that, had it been a Richter Scale measurement, would have represented the biggest earthquake in the history of humankind.

And I'm not talking about the apparent clubhouse disharmony that Billy Wagner's post-game tirade brought bubbling to the surface.

No, I'm talking about the bottom of the third inning.

Scoreless game, Castillo on first, two out, David Wright up. He skies a lazy fly ball to right field, flips his bat aside, and proceeds to wander generally in the direction of first base. Castillo puts his head down and trots around the bases with all the the urgency of a fifth-grader running laps in gym class. Nats right fielder Austin Kearns proceeds to drop the ball, leaving a stunned Castillo on third base while a confused, suddenly awake David Wright had just barely arrived at first.

Pathetic. Disgraceful. Absolutely, completely, 100% unacceptable.

Now, I know what many of you are thinking: Well, most teams do stuff like that. And you're right.

But are most teams coming off of the worst regular season collapse in baseball history?

Are most teams getting routinely booed by their home crowd for what's perceived as a lack of hustle, effort, or interest in the game?

Are most teams sporting a $138 million payroll?

Are most teams in desperate need of being able to give their fans some reason, any reason, to believe that their players care, that they're hungry, and that they're totally and completely committed to ensuring that 2008 will not turn out like 2007?

No, no, a thousand times no.

This is the New York Mets we're talking about, a team that, after last year, has ZERO credibility and ZERO "credit in the bank," if you will, on which to draw with its fans. People have gotten on the fans with the booing, and although I'm not one to boo much myself, all the fans are asking for is this: Show me something. Show me you care. Show me you give a shit. Because we didn't see it last year, and -- shocker! -- we're not seeing it this year. So show it to me.

What does this mean?

We want to see you diving for ground balls in the infield, Carlos Delgado.

We want to see you hustling in to retrieve routine base hit singles and not letting them get stretched into doubles by Augie Ojeda, Carlos Beltran.

We want to see you not take your throws to first base for granted, and not needlessly give away at-bats, Jose Reyes.

We want to see you battle to keep your team in the game even when you don't have your best stuff, Oliver Perez.

And, most of all, when you hit a sky-high pop-up to right field in a scoreless game, a game against a last-place team that you desperately need to win, and that pop-up is dropped, WE WANT TO SEE YOU STANDING ON FUCKING SECOND BASE, DAVID WRIGHT!

Now, some will say that Wright and Castillo deserve the blame for plays like this. And it's true, they're big boys who've been playing baseball all of their lives, and they deserve their fair share of the blame. But isn't Willie's Randolph's job to ensure that there is accountability for his players' actions? Why else is he there?

I read in the News today that Willie "spoke with Wright" about this play after the game. I'm sorry, not good enough. David Wright should have been pulled from that game, no questions asked, right on the spot. Fernando Tatis should have taken his place at third base in the top of the 4th - yes, Fernando Tatis, the recent over-the-hill call-up, who looked to me like he was actually excited to be here running the bases the other night.

I don't care that this sort of laziness "happens all the time." And I don't care that it was the team's golden boy, David Wright. And I don't care that pulling him from the game would've embarrassed him or shown him up.

Willie Randolph has presided over a mediocre, lazy, sloppy, underachieving team for a year now, and what exactly is he doing about it? Nothing. "We've just gotta turn the page." "We'll get 'em tomorrow." And, my personal favorite, "I trust my guys."

Well, guess what Willie?

We don't trust you.

Get lost.

Two Open Letters

Aaron Heilman
c/o The New York Mets
123-01 Roosevelt Ave
Flushing, NY 11368

Dear Aaron:

On behalf of Met fans everywhere, we owe you an apology. As Ty Webb once told Al Czervik: "Don't put yourself down, Al. You're not...you're not good. You stink."

Now, it's not your fault you stink. You're not trying to stink, unlike your old teammate and future Atlanta Brave rat-fink-mole Tom Glavine on a certain late-September afternoon last year. (Just kidding...well, sort of). As I understand it, you were pretty good at Notre Dame. You've had some modicum of success in the past on the Mets, albeit in low-stakes, low-pressure circumstances. You just stink in the late innings of tight games. It's an immutable fact.

Having said that, it's certainly not your fault that you're being paraded out to stink in situations where your manager must strongly suspect that you're going to stink. I mean, what are you supposed to do, tell him "I'm not going in"? Of course not.

It's also not your fault that your manager basically hung you out to dry last night and didn't have anyone else warming in the pen until it was far too late. Obviously, that's not something that's under your control in the slightest.

Anyway, we're sorry all of those boos rained down on you yesterday. It's not your fault. You really do seem like an ok guy, and I don't think you're intentionally tanking these games. You just, you know, stink, and the people in charge of making decisions about who pitches and when should have picked up on that a long time ago.

Keep your head up.

Very truly yours,

Toasty Joe

***

Willie Randolph
c/o The New York Mets
123-01 Roosevelt Ave
Flushing, NY 11368

Dear Willie:

You're an idiot.

Very truly yours,

Toasty Joe

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Your New Manager

Attention fans of a floundering franchise: Salonix for Giuseppe Franco recommends himself for manager of the New York Mets.

[cut to Jorge Sosa giving Giuseppe Franco a hysterical bear hug]

Just listen to what he says about himself:

"Well, first, I'm the only manager I've seen who's effective on a sloppy and lazy ballclub just by making them practice ONCE every ninety days."

"I don't make 'em do a daily regimen, or a twice-daily regimen...who has the time for that nonsense?"

"Just practice once every ninety days, and it works."

Carlos Delgado, infielder: My glove works better, because it is better. This is my real glove. That's what's great about Giuseppe Franco.

Aaron Heilman, pitcher: It worked on me, and it worked on a lot of teammates I know. Guiseppe Franco works!

Luis Castillo, infielder: When I go like this with my bat [wiggles it], it feels like I could actually hit the ball out of the infield. I really notice a tremendous difference. I'm really happy with it.

"I don't own the team. I don't know anything about baseball. I just know that I'd be the greatest manager ever for this mediocre baseball team."

"Look, stop saying you're only a few games outta first place, stop denying that your team looks bad, and do somethin' about it. You can be on the road to an NL pennant right now by getting on the Giuseppe Franco program."

"Hey...I'm Giuseppe Franco."

"I'm not putting my name on the line for a team that doesn't win."

Look Closely And You'll See 1,000 Gnats Screaming And Pumping Their Fists

Just some random, meandering miscellany for you all on this dreary Friday afternoon...

(1) I haven't felt inspired enough to dive into this whole Joba debate until I saw what happened this week. In case you missed it, on Tuesday, David Dellucci of the Tribe took Joba deep for a game-changing, 3-run jack in the 8th inning, turning a 1-run deficit into a 2-run lead. Then, yesterday, in a 6-3 game with no one on base, Joba strikes Dellucci out. Guess which of these two situations called for a a hysterical, fist-pumping primal scream from the victor? If you guessed the second one, you're beginning to catch on to the wonderful world of Joba "38 lifetime IP" Chamberlain. Honestly, you have to see the tape of yesterday's performance to truly appreciate this. Here's what Dellucci had to say about it after the game:

“If he wants to yell and scream after a strikeout and dance around the mound, that’s what gets him going,” Dellucci said. “My home run was in a much bigger situation, a much more key part of the game, but I didn’t dance around and scream.”

No kidding. My stance is, if that's how he wants to act, fine. Every guy who drives in a run off the Yankees gets to do the same thing, no matter what the score or situation is, with no consequences. Fair is fair. I'm sure it'll go over real with Girardi when some guy who's played in 38 games in the bigs knocks in a run off the Yankees, turning a 7-1 game into an 8-1 game, and proceeds to stand on first base, gyrate, and scream.

(By the way, you want another sign I'm right about this issue? Filip Bondy disagrees with me).

(2) More highly amusing news out of Patriotland - apparently Belidouche was taping both defensive AND offensive signals. The funny thing is, I challenge you to find a single Patriot fan who's willing to admit any wrongdoing. You either get "everyone does it" or "there's no real advantage to it." Folks, "everyone does it" is not a defense to something that's illegal. If so, no one would ever get a speeding ticket. As for the second excuse, can one of you Boston Beanheads please explain to me why someone as smart is Belichick would waste time and money producing meticulously-edited spy tapes like these if they're going to be completely useless? Just another reason to savor the accomplishments of the Super Bowl XLII New York Football Giants. Ahhhhh......

(3) Can Willie Randolph's defenders - that imbecile Bob Raissman included - please, PLEASE stop saying how irrational is to want to fire a manager only 32 games into the season? The Mets have been playing flat, sloppy, lazy, uninspired and disinterested baseball SINCE LAST JUNE! That's around 150 games by my count, give or take. Not 32...150. Got it? Good. (By the way, according to Raissman, those of us who want Randolph let go after nearly a full season's worth of unacceptable, underachieving baseball are in "the lunatic fringe").

(4) Terrific column by the great Jeff Pearlman on ESPN.com about some of the fan abuse being hurled at recovering addict Josh Hamilton. A must-read. But pretty much anything Pearlman writes is must-read. He good.

Finally, I note that the Joba story was so big, SNY had the entire cast of miscreants and freaks from "The Wheelhouse," "The Loudmouths," AND "Daily News Live" screaming about it to each other on a Sportsnite segment I saw this morning. I shit you not. My head almost exploded. With the exception of Mex, Ron and Gary, people are incapable of expressing an opinion on SNY without yelling it at you. I really want to know, is anyone out there actually entertained by this?

State of the Union

Please rise, for the President of the Blog-o-sphering Naysayers, Toasty Joe!

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Please, sit down. Thank you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

We love you!!

Oh, I love ya back. Thank you.

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I talk to you a mere eight months removed from one of the most disastrous and cataclysmic events of most of our baseball-watching lives.

Of course, I'm speaking about the events that took place at Shea Stadium in late 2007.

I know many of us would like to forget. I know it's tempting to want to turn the page, move on with our lives, or do whatever it is that people do to heal themselves.

Well, I'll tell you what I like to do to heal myself....I like to watch a baseball game!

[applause]

Not only that, I like to come home from a hard day at work, put my feet up, crack open a beer, and watch the New York Metropolitans give everything they've got, give every ounce of their sweat, sacrifice every last fiber of their being just to win a ballgame, yes, that's what I like to do!

[raucous applause]

And after the terrible events that transpired last year, man oh man, I needed it this year more than ever before.

And, unfortunately, I'm here to tell you, I'm not seeing it. It's missing.

It's missing in every lazy ground ball that Carlos Delgado lets tumble through to the outfield.

It's missing in every first-pitch pop-up that clanks off of Jose Reyes's bat.

It's missing in every weak, rally-killing ground ball that Luis "Four More Years?" Castillo produces.

It's missing in every 0-2 meatball that Oliver Perez grooves right down the middle of the plate.

It's missing in every C+ lineup that Willie Randolph stubbornly parades out there every "getaway day," essentially turning every "getaway day" into "loss day."

It's missing in every strikeout by Carlos Beltran with runners in scoring position, and in every routine single he lollygags after in centerfield, turning a single into a double.

It's missing in the way Aaron Heilman...well, Aaron Heilman.

And, most of all, it's missing in Willie Randolph telling us everything's gonna be just fine.

Just fine? Just fine? Not on MY team. Not in MY stadium!!

[wild applause]

"Look at the standings," people say. "We're right there."

Look at the standings? Look at the standings?!? We spent a month saying that last September, and where did that get us?

[more wild applause]

Well, Willie can talk about everything being "just fine," but I don't see "just fine," do you? Do you?

[Nooooooo!!!! Four fewer years (of Castillo)!! Four fewer years (of Castillo)!!]

Well, luckily, you all elected a President who will not stop until every last soul who logs on to these Internets knows that every Met fan has been hoodwinked, bamboozled, misled, screwed into cheering for a group of players that doesn't work hard, doesn't care, doesn't hustle, and, most certainly does NOT give everything they've got, give every ounce of their sweat, sacrifice every last fiber of their being just to win a ballgame.

[applause]

Now, how are we gonna do this?

I pledge this to you today:

Whenever there's a potshot to be taken at Aaron Heilman, I'll be there to take it.

Whenever Carlos Delgado costs us a game with both his bat AND his glove, I'll be there to mock him.

Whenever Luis Castillo does whatever it is he does, I'll be there to let you know about it.

And, so long as there's an ounce of breath left in this body, I WILL NOT STOP - EVER - UNTIL WILLIE RANDOLPH IS FIRED! THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU!!

[wild applause]

[Four fewer years (of Castillo)! Four fewer years (of Castillo)! Four fewer years (of Castillo)!...]

Willie, Leitchie & the Douche

"Who is this pencilneck?" you're probably wondering. Well, because you're sitting here reading a sports blog, all that you need to know about this guy is (a) he's smarter than you; (b) he's better than you; (c) he doesn't take kindly to insults, but he thinks you're full of shit.

Yes, this is none other than Buzz Bissinger, author, Pulitzer Prize winner, pundit, and all-around douchebag. If you haven't already seen the video of him spewing verbal diarrhea all over an unsuspecting Will Leitch (he of the incomparable Deadspin), watch it here.

The upshot of this incident is that "Buzz" apparently feels that the writing skills, discretion and sophistication of sports bloggers are not, shall we say, akin to William Shakespeare. Oh, and they like to make fun of Rich Garces' tits.

The problem, I think, is that this dingus is comparing sports bloggers to conventional sportswriters in conventional newspapers. This, to me, is kind of like criticizing "The Daily Show" for not having the journalistic credibility of, say, CNN. (In fact, that bow-tied little turd Tucker Carlson tried to do exactly this with Jon Stewart several years ago, with hilarious results). In fact, the two have absolutely nothing to do with each other, other than they both write about sports. I mean, that's it. I don't read Deadspin to find out what's wrong with Oliver Perez's mechanics, nor do I flip to Mike Lupica to enjoy a good laugh at pictures of an air-headed pro athlete holding a beer bong or surrounded by, um, "fans" in a hot tub. Why can't we enjoy both of these things for different reasons? Deadspin is a fucking HUMOR website. It's FUNNY. Why didn't anyone make that distinction?

For the record, Leitch completely and totally owned "Buzz" in this discussion. You will rarely experience a more thoroughly satisfying moment on television than when Buzz snorts to Will "have you ever read W.C. Heinz?", clearly expecting the answer to be "who?", only to have Will respond without hesitation "I read 'the Professional.'"

Freaking priceless.

***

Now, as to Mets-related matters, I missed Wednesday's debacle on account of an out-of-town trip, but whoa, nelly....it's time. Willie really has to go. I used to defend this guy - who I never thought was a good in-game strategist - because his players seemed to genuinely like him and played hard and smart baseball under him. Hmm, well, I guess maybe some of them still like him, but they sure as hell don't play hard, they definitely don't play smart, they don't play motivated, and, hey, guess what? He's still a bad strategist. In other words, he brings to the table....er, pretty much absolutely nothing.

Explain to me why he's still employed?

Get The Lead Out!

Swingin', missin', bobblin';
that's all you seem to do.

Grounding to first, you're really the worst;
Chris Russo seems to think that you belong in a hearse.

We'll rest assured, you'll pop out to third,
You're quite a turd, we gotta end this curse.

One of these days and it won't be long,
You'll look for the team bus, but buddy, it'll be gone.

This is all I gotta say to you, Carlos:

[Chorus]
Your time is gonna come... [X4]

Willie's made up his mind, he'll use Aaron this time,
Won't be so fine, it's our turn to cry.

Willie does what he wants, and we all take the brunt;
A batting practice pitcher five games a week.

Don't mind his ERA, 'cause he's goin' away to stay,
Gonna make him pay for those fat n' juicy gopher balls.

"Aaron's my guy," says Willie, who's high;
They both make us sigh, hang our heads and cry.

People talkin' all around,
Watch out Willie, no longer
Are you gonna manage this team that doesn't try.

You been bad to me Willie, but it's coming back home to you...

Your time is gonna come...