Razing Arizona

Get used to seeing this headline, I'm sure it will be in every paper tomorrow morning. I'm sitting here wracking my brain trying to think of a single negative to be taken out of this 4-game demolition of what I thought was one of the best teams in the National League. I could only come up with two: (1) Trachsel didn't pitch very well on Friday; and (2) the Mets might all be tired from running the bases all weekend. Things could not possibly be looking any better in Metville right now. With Philly scuffling and Atlanta playing absolutely awful baseball right now, this summer could turn into non-stop party-time within the next couple of weeks - perhaps as early as Thursday.

With virtually no negatives to speak of, I decided to do something fun. The title of this thread, of course, brings to mind one of my favorite films of all time, the brilliant Raising Arizona. So, without further ado, let's match up the cast of Raising Arizona with the current Mets. I've also included my favorite quotes from each character:

H.I. McDunnough: Slow and dim-witted, H.I. has an evil past, but is trying his best to do good. H.I., of course, is Willie Randolph. "Ya ate what? Ya ate SAND?!"

Ed McDunnough: Strong, forceful, take-charge type of woman. Although H.I. is the career criminal, the theft of Nathan, Jr. is all her idea. Ed is Omar Minaya. "My fih-ance left me."

Nathan, Jr.: Fresh-faced, sweet, innocent baby, he represents the unblemished future. Nathan, Jr. is David "Sugar Pants" Wright. (No lines).

Gail & Evelle Snoats: My favorite characters in the movie are brash, unapolagetic bruisers, yet strangely thoughtful at times. Gail and Evelle are Carlos Delgado and Carlos Beltran (they share a first name instead of a last name). Gail: "I know you're partial to convenience stores...but goddammit, H.I. - the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocery!" Evelle: "What's he need, his dip-tet?"

Nathan Arizona (Huffhines): Fast-talker with a gruff exterior but a heart of gold. Nathan Arizona is Paulie Lo Duca. "Would you buy furniture from a store called 'Unpainted Huffhines'?!"

Glen: Played by the great Sam McMurray, Glen is a thorn in H.I.'s side, a guy who offends him and rubs him the wrong way. Glen is 'Stings Milledge. "You're crazy! You're crazy! I pity you!! [THUD]"

Leonard Smalls: The biker represents H.I.'s dark, evil criminal past - a past which H.I. spends the whole film trying to escape. This, of course, means that Smalls is the New York Yankees. "Name's Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny... only I ain't got no friends." (Nathan: "Aw, stop it son, I'm gonna bust out cryin'.")

Well, I hope this was as much fun to read as it was to write. Will the Yankees finally be blown apart by their own grenades? Will Willie and Omar live happily ever after, surrounded by grandchildren somewhere in Utah? Stay tuned. And if you haven't seen this movie (and thus have no idea what the hell this post is about), good LORD, get to a video store instantly.