Ho, Ho, Ho!

And now, live from the courthouse steps, we bring you Isiah Thomas's press conference, already in progress...

Isiah: Any questions? Yeah, you. The ho in the white shirt.

Reporter #1: Um, yes, Isiah, were you surprised by the jury's verdict?

Isiah: Not really. I mean, you had, what, four or five bitches on that jury, so I figured they'd side with the twat.

Reporter #2: Isiah, has James Dolan spoken to you about your future with the team in light of the verdict?

Isiah: Actually, yes. Jim just told me five minutes ago that I've been promoted to Chairman, CEO, and Grand Overlord of Madison Square Garden. I'm not sure, but I think I still report to him somehow. Don't ask me how it works. All I care about is winning basketball games.

Yeah, you. The bitch in the black top.

Reporter #3: Do you have any hard feelings for Ms. Browne-Sanders?

Isiah: You might wanna rephrase that.

Reporter #3: Well, are you carrying a grudge?

Isiah: Absolutely. I can't understand why she's all bent out of shape that I hit on her. Back when I was playing, I had skanks hitting on me all the time. Did I sue them? No. In fact, I did something else to them. Repeatedly. Love is what makes the world go 'round, baby.

Reporter #4: Is it true that a Knicks' intern was pressured into having sex with Stephon Marbury in a limo outside a strip club?

Isiah: As far as I know, yeah, it happened. So what? He's our best player. Big dog's gotta eat, right? I mean, you wouldn't keep a lion from eating a gazelle. How the fuck am I supposed to keep Steph off of some hot 20-year-old gash?

Reporter #4: Well, are you considering parting ways with Marbury after this incident?

Isiah: Hell, no. Players like him don't grow on trees. I mean, look at how many playoff series he's won in his 11-year career.

Reporter #2: Um, he hasn't won any.

Isiah: Seriously? You sure about that?

Reporter #2: Yeah. He's never been past the first round, Isiah.

Isiah: Damn. I really gotta use the internet for something other than porn.

Anyone else? Yeah, you. The blonde cunt over there by the tree.

Reporter #6: So will this verdict make you re-examine the way you deal with your employees?

Isiah: Ha ha ha! That's a good one, baby. Anyone else?

Reporter #1: Isiah, do you stand by your deposition testimony that it's not as offensive for a black man to call a black woman a "bitch"?

Isiah: Absolutely. Where I come from, we called women "bitches" all the time. And they called all the black men "dickhead." Unless it was just me.

Reporter #4: So what are your immediate plans for the future?

Isiah: Well, first I'm gonna go home and take a shit. Then I'm going to appeal this outrageous verdict. Then I'm gonna look into bringing Allan Houston out of retirement. No price is to too steep. Gotta get this team more athletic.

Reporter #1: Well, are you--

Isiah: Oops, gotta run. I see Anucha's having some trouble getting into her limo over there. Maybe if I offer to help her, I can grab a breast. See you all real soon.