Refund Application

In the three days between the end of the Mets' season and the start of the playoffs, about 15,000 Yankee fans sent me this application. You probably received it too.

Well, those people made two critical mistakes. First, they didn't wait until the Yankees had won anything in 2007. And second, they sent it to me. HUGE mistake. Because they had to wake up this morning knowing I was going to give them something like this:

NEW YORK YANKEES FAN REFUND APPLICATION

Name:
_________________________________________
(Please Print) First MI

Mailing Address:

_________________________________________
# Street

________________________________________
City, State, Zip

Please respond to all questions in order to receive your 2007 Yankee Fan Refund:

1. I have been a Yankee fan since:

(A) 1996
(B) 1998
(C) 2000
(D) 1977 (except for 1979-1995)

2. If someone asked me to name three players who were on the Yankees during the 1980s, my answer would be:

(A) Don Mattingly, Mickey Mantle, Donnie Baseball
(B) Donnie Baseball, Lou Gehrig, Don Mattingly
(C) George Steinbrenner, Donnie Baseball, and that guy with a mustache
(D) Don Mattingly, Reggie Jackson, and that pitcher who only had one arm

3. Should Joe Torre be fired?

(A) Absolutely - Ever year since I purchased my "Got Rings?" t-shirt in 2000, a different team has gotten a ring. Someone must be held accountable.
(B) Yes - Derek Jeter clearly should've started over Wang in Game 4.
(C) No - His quiet dignity and class completely obscure the fact that he was a pathetic manager for over a decade before he came to the Bronx.
(D) Yes - with a name like Donnie Baseball, how can Donnie Baseball not be a better manager?

4. Fill in the blank: Roger Clemens is ______________.

(A) a Hall of Famer with the heart of a lion
(B) a fat, juiced thug
(C) a greedy scumbag who fakes injuries when the going gets tough
(D) worth every penny - those 2.1 playoff innings were sheer magic

5. What's been the most infuriating aspect of the latest Yankee playoff collapse?

(A) My cousin Ant'ny and I had ALCS tickets right behind home plate
(B) Can't figure out how A-Rod made Jeter hit into all those double-plays
(C) I saw a vendor outside the Stadium last night selling "Got Wild Card?" t-shirts
(D) Visiting playoff teams no longer wet their pants when they see Monument Park

Answer Key: 1.A, 2.D, 3.C, 4.C, 5.C

OFFICIAL REFUND CALCULATOR:

0-1 correct: You're the 2007 Yankees. You settled for the Wild Card and lost in the first round to a guy named Byrd, a guy named Pronk, and a swarm of insects. You are entitled to a refund of $1.00.

2-3 correct: You're the 2006 Yankees. You cruised to a division title and a 1-0 ALDS lead, and got squashed by Kenny Rogers. You are entitled to a refund of $2.00.

4 correct: You're the 2004 Yankees. You romped through the regular season and the ALDS, roared out to a 3-0 lead in the ALCS, and had a lead in game 4 with your closer on the mound. Don't ask what happened next. You are entitled to a refund of $5.00.

5 correct: Congratulations, you're the 2003 Yankees! You made it all the way to the World Series, only to lose to a bunch of rookie scrubs. You are entitled to a refund of $10.00, a handshake, and an autographed copy of Derek Jeter's "Out At Home: A Celebrity's Guide To Living With Herpes."