I'm wondering if anyone ever reads this sentence.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

"It's.....A NEW CAR!!!!"

It's been a week, so I thought I'd catch up with y'all. Here's what's happened since last we spoke:

First, it was close for a while, but in the end the Giants laid a nice, fat, stinky turd at home against Dallas, just as I expected them to do. You can talk about Eli's somewhat shaky outing, the killer holding call on Chris Snee negating Jacobs' potential game-tying TD, or an invisible Plaxico, but to me, it all came down (once again) to the secondary. I have a question. How is Sam Madison still in the league? The guy couldn't cover Yogi Berra on crutches at this point. Also, I liked how they totally shut down Jason Whitten (who killed them in week 1), only to be torched by Terrell Owens. Sort of like the Whack-A-Mole game. Totally infuriating. There's no way the Giants don't author a third consecutive second-half collapse at this point. It's coming.

Second, as you might've already guessed, the Flitgirl and I finally got our new car! Rickey, take heed - you are now not the only kid on the block with a Volvo. Yes, I know what you're thinking. "Volvo? What kind of pathetic suburban soccer dad have you become? What happened to the freewheeling, hip, acid-tongued Manhattanite I've come to know and admire?" Well, I am happy to report that the particular automobile we've chosen registers a "7.4" on the bad-ass scale. See the picture above for a peek at our new black S60. (that's not ours in the pic, but that's exactly what it looks like)

Having now acquired a car, I must note that monthly garage prices in Manhattan are borderline criminal. However, I have no intention of falling into the "screw it, let's just park on the street 24/7, risk our car getting stolen, risk our car getting broken into, risk not finding a spot, risk having a family of crackheads play an all-night game of Parchesi on our hood, and wake up at the butt-crack of dawn twice a week to move it for the street-sweepers" trap. No, thanks.

Speaking of Manhattan garages, if our garage is any indication, I could spearhead a massive stolen-automobile conglomerate this week by doing the following things:

(1) calling up a garage and saying "I'd like you to have car #86 ready tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
(2) showing up at the garage the next morning at 10 a.m. and asking for car #86.
(3) hopping in car #86, and finding that the garage has helpfully already placed the valet key in the ignition;
(4) driving away; and
(5) repeating the process all over again with car #87.

Seriously, where are the checks and balances in this system?

16 Comments:

Anonymous the bronx lurker said...

You poor, poor bastard. Back in the day, and much to Mrs. Lurker's chagrine, I declared war on our garage after they raised rates twice in 5 months and became a street parker. I think that was what eventually drove us to the burbs. But good luck with all that.

Theoretically, they have security camera footage that they could turn over to the authorities when the real Mr. 86 showed up and expressed his displeasure. But let me know how it goes-- if you make it up to car #90 or so without getting caught, I'll go in halfsies with you.

I think "Bad Ass Volvo" is an oxymoron, no matter how shiny, black and fast it is. Maybe if you got a really big spoiler, a 500 watt, trunk-mounted subwoofer, and a giant "V" sticker for the back window. . .

9:59 AM

 
Blogger Toasty Joe said...

Lurker, was that when you were on the UES, or Brooklyn? A move to Brooklyn is probably in our future, and I was hoping the garages rates down there would be slightly less inflated.

10:08 AM

 
Blogger Luis Sojo said...

Toasty - f your car. Let's talk about more important things, such as signing A-Rod, then trading Reyes for Johan Santana, then trading Milledge to the A's for Harden. I'm all for it.

11:19 AM

 
Blogger Luis Sojo said...

Sorry - I meant, Haren, not Harden. Also - I told you the 6-2 record was smoke and mirrors and you didn't believe me. Bring in Bellichick now!

11:24 AM

 
Blogger Toasty Joe said...

Sojo - I'm confused. What, if anything, does all of this have to do with Derek Jeter's herpes?

11:30 AM

 
Blogger Rickey Henderson said...

Well done sir. Volvos truly are the chariots of the gods. (The Norse gods of course).

11:56 AM

 
Blogger Luis Sojo said...

Absolutely nothing. But I do hate Jeter and he does have the clap.

2:49 PM

 
Anonymous the bronx lurker said...

Sorry, Toasty. The garagiolas in question were indeed Brooklyners. If you and the Flitgirl are looking at the Heights, you'll find that there aren't many bargains to be found, if the UES or UWS is your point of reference.

Sojo, if you're serious, I'm absolutely flabbergasted. You would want the Mets to export Reyes and bring in A-Rod? Purely hypothetical, since Santana is already being fitted for his summer pinstripes, but I'm stunned you'd even joke about that.

5:31 PM

 
Blogger maybe i can help... said...

ciao signore Toasty!

I keep telling you... all the cool kids are moving to Queens these days. Easy / cheap parking, non-inflated real estate prices, and of course, two of your best friends live there ('House of D' doesn't count until he's been there for over 1 year). PLUS, you're that much closer to Shea!

arrivederci from Firenze!

6:01 AM

 
Blogger Luis Sojo said...

Toasty - Yorvit Torreabla? That's the best free agent the Mets can sign? Pathetic. Torreable hits 220 and throws out 20% of runners. This is going to be another wasted year unless we get Johan Santana. One bright spot - losing Glavine would be addition by subtraction. He sucks.

2:12 PM

 
Anonymous the bronx lurker said...

No Santana for you, Sojo. Deal with it. I'm thinking Bartolo Colon for 4 years, $56 million would be a better fit.

Speaking of free agents, I can't believe that Bonds had the nerve to time his big indictment the same day as the announcement of A-Rod's agreeing to the framework of his new contract. The man has no respect for the sanctity of the game, and as such, I now have no respect for him.

10:12 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

does that Volvo come with matching LL Bean Jackets and a Thule Ski rack? You just need that Dave Matthews Box Set and you should be all set.

But seriously, Reyes for Santana, Milledge for Haren, and sign Manny!!

So let me get this straight, the Yankees are pretty much assembling the same core team they had last year that got them an exit in the first round of the playoffs. They should definitely give Mo that extra $15MM he wants when he is 42 as well.

3:47 PM

 
Blogger Rickey Henderson said...

Le sigh... As fate would have it, Rickey had to put his trusty Volvo out to pasture today.

9:52 PM

 
Blogger E said...

my garage used your system till they recognized the flaw you highlighted..
a few stolen cars might have motivated them.. now the monthly's
get receipts like the transients...

10:34 AM

 
Blogger Mr Furious said...

Nice one Toasty. The Furiousmobile is an S60 2.4T. Sweet car. Nicest seats I've ever sat in...

A bit disappointing on the gas mileage, but that's my only complaint.

11:11 PM

 
Blogger Mr Furious said...

A move to Brooklyn is probably in our future, and I was hoping the garages rates down there would be slightly less inflated.

Screw that. Park on the street. Much more manageable than Manhattan. You move to the right neighborhood and you only have to move your car once a week!

11:36 PM

 

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