If You Are Going To San Francisco, Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair...

...and be careful not to trip over any of the 400,000 homeless heroin addicts cruising around in wheelchairs.

This weekend marked my first-ever visit to San Fran, a city about which I've heard many great things. However, the proceedings did not exactly get off to a rip-roaring start on Friday night, as the Flitgirl and I elected to walk from our hotel on Market Street to dinner on Hayes Street. Little did we know that this route would take us past a carnival-like assortment of crackheads, heroin addicts, people in wheelchairs missing various limbs, homeless people, and raving lunatics holding complete conversations with themselves and/or screaming at unseen enemies. At least once per block, we would hit the trifecta: a lunatic homeless crackhead heroin addict in a wheelchair screaming at himself. I guess it was our own fault for choosing to walk the streets at the insane hour of 6:00 pm.

Anyway, after dinner, we compounded the problem by continuing to walk down to a bar in the Mission District to meet Flitgirl's sister - which required an even longer walk through an even sketchier neighborhood, filled with even more disreputable, crazier borderline-humans. (Please note, no taxis were available).

Needless to say, we made it through Friday night alive, but I was not feeling good about this fair city. However, Saturday I learned that the city is NOT just a bunch of lunatic homeless crackhead heroin addicts in wheelchairs screaming at themselves. We visited Flitgirl's sister's (can I just call her "Flitster-in-law"?) apartment in the Haight/Ashbury district (whereupon I snapped the photo you see above), which is apparently just a few doors down from where the Grateful Dead used to live. Flitster-in-law then drove around to Pacific Heights, the Presidio, Golden Gate Park, Fisherman's Wharf (where we got an In-N-Out burger - drool...), across the Golden Gate Bridge (albeit in absurdly heavy fog - in fact, it could've been any bridge for all I could see), and over to Sausalito to watch some clean-up from the recent oil spill.

[Incidentally, is it just me, or is there a disproportionate number of movies set in S.F.? Dirty Harry, 48 Hrs., Pacific Heights, The Presidio, Vertigo...this is a very long list. Of course, I was the only one of the three people in the car who had seen or even heard of "Pacific Heights" and "The Presidio." That's what I get for associating with a bunch of people born post-1980.]

Saturday night, at the recommendation of the Schwizz, we hit up the great Zushi Puzzle on Lombard Street. Friends, let me tell you - if good fish is your game, Zushi Puzzle is the place to be. I recommend the "Eric's Law" roll, which is basically soft-shell crab and cucumber with a slab of tuna on top, covered in a spicy sauce. Dee-lish.

Anyway, an overall fun trip. San Fran is truly the city that put the "crack" in "crackhead."

This message was brought to you by the City of San Francisco, Tourism Division. All rights reserved.

"It's.....A NEW CAR!!!!"

It's been a week, so I thought I'd catch up with y'all. Here's what's happened since last we spoke:

First, it was close for a while, but in the end the Giants laid a nice, fat, stinky turd at home against Dallas, just as I expected them to do. You can talk about Eli's somewhat shaky outing, the killer holding call on Chris Snee negating Jacobs' potential game-tying TD, or an invisible Plaxico, but to me, it all came down (once again) to the secondary. I have a question. How is Sam Madison still in the league? The guy couldn't cover Yogi Berra on crutches at this point. Also, I liked how they totally shut down Jason Whitten (who killed them in week 1), only to be torched by Terrell Owens. Sort of like the Whack-A-Mole game. Totally infuriating. There's no way the Giants don't author a third consecutive second-half collapse at this point. It's coming.

Second, as you might've already guessed, the Flitgirl and I finally got our new car! Rickey, take heed - you are now not the only kid on the block with a Volvo. Yes, I know what you're thinking. "Volvo? What kind of pathetic suburban soccer dad have you become? What happened to the freewheeling, hip, acid-tongued Manhattanite I've come to know and admire?" Well, I am happy to report that the particular automobile we've chosen registers a "7.4" on the bad-ass scale. See the picture above for a peek at our new black S60. (that's not ours in the pic, but that's exactly what it looks like)

Having now acquired a car, I must note that monthly garage prices in Manhattan are borderline criminal. However, I have no intention of falling into the "screw it, let's just park on the street 24/7, risk our car getting stolen, risk our car getting broken into, risk not finding a spot, risk having a family of crackheads play an all-night game of Parchesi on our hood, and wake up at the butt-crack of dawn twice a week to move it for the street-sweepers" trap. No, thanks.

Speaking of Manhattan garages, if our garage is any indication, I could spearhead a massive stolen-automobile conglomerate this week by doing the following things:

(1) calling up a garage and saying "I'd like you to have car #86 ready tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
(2) showing up at the garage the next morning at 10 a.m. and asking for car #86.
(3) hopping in car #86, and finding that the garage has helpfully already placed the valet key in the ignition;
(4) driving away; and
(5) repeating the process all over again with car #87.

Seriously, where are the checks and balances in this system?

Inventory Time

We're doing a little house-cleaning over here, so I have a few lists I need to get off my chest.

Here are five movies that you may not have seen, but need to see as soon as possible:

1. The In-Laws (1979)
2. Crimes & Misdemeanors (1989)
3. Quiz Show (1994)
4. Breakdown (1997)
5. Michael Clayton (2007)

The best guitar playing you will ever hear is from Jimi Hendrix, "Machine Gun" on the Band of Gypsys LP. I will not argue this point, ever.

If you have never listened to any of the following live albums, I feel sorry for you:

1. The Allman Brothers Band, Live at Fillmore East
2. The Who, Live at Leeds
3. Bob Marley and the Wailers, Live at the Roxy

No TV show has ever, EVER had a better run than the Simpsons had from the beginning of season 4 through the end of season 5:

60 - 401 September 24, 1992 8F24 "Kamp Krusty"
61 - 402 October 1, 1992 8F18 "A Streetcar Named Marge"
62 - 403 October 8, 1992 9F01 "Homer the Heretic"
63 - 404 October 15, 1992 9F02 "Lisa the Beauty Queen"
64 - 405 October 29, 1992 9F04 "Treehouse of Horror III"
65 - 406 November 3, 1992 9F03 "Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie"
66 - 407 November 5, 1992 9F05 "Marge Gets a Job"
67 - 408 November 12, 1992 9F06 "New Kid on the Block"
68 - 409 November 19, 1992 9F07 "Mr. Plow"
69 - 410 December 3, 1992 9F08 "Lisa's First Word"
70 - 411 December 17, 1992 9F09 "Homer's Triple Bypass"
71 - 412 January 14, 1993 9F10 "Marge vs. the Monorail"
72 - 413 January 21, 1993 9F11 "Selma's Choice"
73 - 414 February 4, 1993 9F12 "Brother from the Same Planet"
74 - 415 February 11, 1993 9F13 "I Love Lisa"
75 - 416 February 18, 1993 9F14 "Duffless"
76 - 417 March 11, 1993 9F15 "Last Exit to Springfield"
77 - 418 April 1, 1993 9F17 "So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show"
78 - 419 April 15, 1993 9F16 "The Front"
79 - 420 April 29, 1993 9F18 "Whacking Day"
80 - 421 May 6, 1993 9F20 "Marge in Chains"
81 - 422 May 13, 1993 9F19 "Krusty Gets Kancelled"
82 - 501 September 30, 1993 9F21 "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"
83 - 502 October 7, 1993 9F22 "Cape Feare"
84 - 503 October 14, 1993 1F02 "Homer Goes to College"
85 - 504 October 21, 1993 1F01 "Rosebud"
86 - 505 October 28, 1993 1F04 "Treehouse of Horror IV"
87 - 506 November 4, 1993 1F03 "Marge on the Lam"
88 - 507 November 11, 1993 1F05 "Bart's Inner Child"
89 - 508 November 18, 1993 1F06 "Boy-Scoutz N the Hood"
90 - 509 December 9, 1993 1F07 "The Last Temptation of Homer"
91 - 510 December 16, 1993 1F08 "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"
92 - 511 January 6, 1994 1F09 "Homer the Vigilante"
93 - 512 February 3, 1994 1F11 "Bart Gets Famous"
94 - 513 February 10, 1994 1F10 "Homer and Apu"
95 - 514 February 17, 1994 1F12 "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"
96 - 515 February 24, 1994 1F13 "Deep Space Homer"
97 - 516 March 17, 1994 1F14 "Homer Loves Flanders"
98 - 517 March 31, 1994 1F15 "Bart Gets an Elephant"
99 - 518 April 14, 1994 1F16 "Burns' Heir"
100 - 519 April 28, 1994 1F18 "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"
101 - 520 May 5, 1994 1F19 "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"
102 - 521 May 12, 1994 1F21 "Lady Bouvier's Lover"
103 - 522 May 19, 1994 1F20 "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Holy hell, that's fucking Murderer's Row right there. Just looking at that list makes me dizzy.

Despite the fact that I have seen them many times, I still cannot figure out if the following three movies are awesome or terrible:

1. Falling Down
2. Body Double
3. Eyes Wide Shut

(Editor's note: I'm leaning toward awesome, simply by virtue of the fact that I choose to see them many times. You are certainly free to disagree here)

Here are six balls-out fantastic thrillers that you will read and thank me for later:

1. "Garden of Beasts" by Jeffery Deaver
2. "True Crime" by Andrew Klavan
3. "The Analyst" by John Katzenbach
4. "The Stone Monkey" by Jeffery Deaver
5. "Hart's War" by John Katzenbach
6. "Tell No One" by Harlan Coben

And, finally, if you're still not reading "Riding With Rickey," well, dammit, I don't know what to tell you. This week you missed Rickey's on-line altercation with the President of the World Finger Jousting Federation. I'm not even kidding here. Just check it out and report back to me.

We Are All Idiots

Today I shall write to you regarding a matter that has been gnawing at me for several years now. Any social scientist will tell you that if you were to take a cross-section of the population, you would find that there are smart men and stupid men. There are also smart woman and stupid women. No big secret there, right? Nothing groundbreaking whatsoever.

But if you were to flip on the TV or radio at any point (say, right now), you would find that the world is filled only with (1) brilliant, insightful, resourceful and savvy women, and (2) a bunch of drooling retards with penises.

I call this phenomenon "Stupid Man Syndrome." You know you've seen/heard these ads.

A businesswoman correctly divines a solution to a problem on her laptop, at which point a bunch of human chimpanzees (munching on Doritos or some such) in the same boardroom enthusiastically high-five each other as if THEY were the ones who conceived of the brainstorm.

A woman enlightens a borderline-mental defective on the radio about the low, low prices that can be found at a local pharmacy chain.

A cretin walks around his house pestering his daughter (who is trying to do her homework) with mindless trivia, until his disapproving wife instructs him to "leave her alone, Bill."

And, finally, the latest (and worst) offender can be seen in its entirety here. (If you think this is bad, you should hear the radio version, which WFAN has chosen to play on an endless loop. The man's whining is approximately 5,600% annoying on the radio version).

I'd like the ladies to weigh in on this. Are we this stupid? Is this how you see us? Do we wander around with the mentality of a bunch of four-year-old Special Olympics entrants? Better yet, I'd like some people in the advertising industry to explain where this is coming from. Does this sell? Did your market research reveal that brilliant woman + drooling imbecile = MEGA SALES!!!

I need answers. Or, I need these ads to stop. Or, alternatively, for the sake of sheer fairness, please give me at least one ad where the man is brilliant and the woman can barely tie her shoes. Just one.

Thank you.