Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
I Ate This Poor Bastard On Saturday
As Andy Pettitte would say, "if eating this pig was an error in judgment, then I apologize."
OK, so you're a little confused. I understand. Let me explain. About a month ago, the Mrs. asked where I wanted to go for my annual birthday feast. Rather than pick the usual steakhouse, this year I opted for something a little off the beaten path. On Tommy M's suggestion, I brought the whole gang over the Daisy May's BBQ on 11th Ave. for the "Big Pig Gig." Essentially, that means 12 people sit at a pinic-style table and tear an entire pig carcass to shreds over the course of two succulent hours.
Let's start at the beginning. First, they wheel out this magnificent bastard, which is quite a solemn moment. I believe "Taps" was being played. Then, a person whom I can only assume is some sort of porcine surgeon (or maybe he just works in the kitchen) gets to work peeling the layers of skin back, revealing the sweet, sweet innards. Drool. Finally, the poor sap gets hacked to pieces and devoured by our motley crew. (Note Tom's hands clutching the fork and knife at the ready in that last picture).
Honestly, as disgusting as it looks, this is an experience that must be experienced. The stuff basically melts in your mouth, plus you get the added bonus of taking lots of pictures to gross out your friends and loved ones.
Overall, I'll give the "Big Pig Gig" at Daisy May's a solid 9 out of 10 pig testicles.
Friday, December 14, 2007
2000 World Series - Epilogue
I've received an inordinate amount of chatter from Yankee fans in the past 24 hours (I'm not counting the Lurker and HouseofD, whom I love dearly), all of whom are under the impression that my "2000 World Series (Adjusted Results)" post was meant to be taken 100% seriously. I suppose the line "Parade tomorrow!" didn't tip them off. Congrats, guys - your failure to take a joke is 10,000 times funnier than anything I could have ever written.
But in all seriousness, here are a few points:
(1) No, I don't actually think the Mets should be awarded the 2000 title. Feel better? However, I now have a lifetime supply of ammunition every time any Yankee fan tries to crow about 2000. Starting 2B, LF, your key set-up man, and three-fucking-fourths of the starting rotation, and a host of bench players? Thank you, Senator Mitchell. Your fruitcake is in the mail.
(2) Several have pointed out that most of the 2000 Yankees who are on the list are alleged to have started using after 2000. Fair enough, but it doesn't exactly test the bounds of reason to assume at least some of those junkies were using at other points in their careers as well - does it? In any event, the report makes clear that Mr. Clemens was sticking cheating juice in his buttcheek throughout 2000. So, if you want to adjust my "adjusted results," feel free. The Yankees now lead the series 3 games to 2, with Rocket slated to pitch in Game 6, meaning the Mets will have to be given another win. (Alternatively, I guess you could start Jason Grimsley in Game 6. Oh, wait). Woo hoo, I got Game 7 fever!
(3) Finally, Yankee fans will have to live with this ringing through their ears for all eternity. That's punishment enough.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
2000 World Series (Adjusted Results)
Original Score: Yankees 4, Mets 3 (12)
Cheater RBIs: 3 (Knoblauch 1, Justice 2)
Cheater Hits: 1 (Justice)
Cheater IP: 8.2 (Pettitte 6.2, Stanton 2.0)
Cheater Ks: 7 (Pettitte 4, Stanton 3)
Comment: In a one-run victory, 3 out of the Bombers' 4 RBIs were from juicers. Translation: Say goodbye to your Game One win, fellas.
Adjusted Score: Mets 4, Yankees 1
Original Score: Yankees 6, Mets 5
Cheater RBIs: 0
Cheater Hits: 0
Cheater IP: 8.0 (Clemens)
Cheater Ks: 9 (Clemens)
Comment: The juicers didn't help the Yankees on the offensive side, but 8 out of 9 innings were pitched by a cheater who almost killed the Mets' best player in a fit of roid rage -- and the Mets still only lost by 1. In other words, Game Two has to go to the Mets as well.
Adjusted Score: Mets 8, Yankees 6
Original Score: Mets 4, Yankees 2
Cheater RBIs: 1 (Justice)
Cheater Hits: 2 (Knoblauch 1, Justice 1)
Cheater IP: 0.2 (Stanton)
Cheater Ks: 1 (Stanton)
Comment: Knock off Justice's hinky, tainted RBI, and a 2-run Met win becomes a 3-run Met win. In any event, the Met win stands.
Adjusted Score: Mets 4, Yankees 1
Original Score: Yankees 3, Mets 2
Cheater RBIs: 0
Cheater Hits: 0
Cheater IP: 5.1 (Neagle 4.2, Stanton 0.2)
Cheater Ks: 5 (Neagle 3, Stanton 2)
Comment: A tough one. No offensive cheating here, and the Mets knocked out Neagle in the 5th despite his cheating. True, Stanton got 2 key strikeouts down the stretch, but I'll be generous and give this one to the Bombers.
Adjusted Score: No adjustment
Original Score: Yankees 4, Mets 2
Cheater RBIs: 0
Cheater Hits: 1 (Justice)
Cheater IP: 8.0 (Pettitte 7.0, Stanton 1.0)
Cheater Ks: 6 (Pettitte 5, Stanton 1)
Comment: In another close game, 8 out of the 9 innings were pitched by Yankee juicers. For the love of Pete, there's no way I can't give this one to the Mets.
Adjusted Score: Mets 5, Yankees 4
ADJUSTED 2000 WORLD SERIES RESULTS: Mets win, 4 games to 1
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
What Exactly Does Isiah Thomas Have To Do To Get Fired?
Let's recap here:
Exhibit A: No playoff wins in four years.
Exhibit B: A series of horrific, cap-busting trades and signings.
Exhibit C: A 6-14 record this season, including losses by the scores of 115-83, 108-82, 104-59 (read that one again), and 105-77.
Exhibit D: A hostile and hate-filled fanbase, booing the home team at every opportunity.
Exhibit E: Shouting back at your loyal fans, who've been showing up at the Garden long before your stinky, retarded ass was hired, and who'll be there long after you leave, and telling them it's all their fault.
Exhibit F: Sexually harassing your employees, eventually costing MSG over $11 million, along with untold attorney's fees, costs, and a bottomless pit of bad press.
Take any ONE of those six items, and it's grounds for dismissal. Take ALL FUCKING SIX PUT TOGETHER? It's grounds for immediate defenestration. Which, of course, is why Jim Dolan is sitting with his thumb up his ass doing absolutely nothing, except offering a series of votes of confidence.
In all honesty, I am wondering what exactly Isiah Thomas has to do to get fired at this point. Fortunately, I have a few ideas:
(1) Pull out a machine gun during a game and fire randomly into the stands. This one might not work at the Garden, since the stands are well on their way to being empty.
(2) Cornhole the captain of the Knicks City Dancers on the scorer's table during a timeout. Isiah will say it was consensual. That will be good enough for Dolan.
(3) Walk over to David Stern at halftime and masturbate into his Diet Coke. Actually, Dolan would probably get a kick out of this.
(4) Say during an interview that he thinks that all white Knick fans should be assessed a $5 "honky tax" on all tickets. Probably won't work either. Dolan might actually do this.
(5) Use one of Jim Dolan's electric guitars to perform an illicit sexual act on Charles Dolan. Ladies and gents, we have a winner!
p.s. It's my birthday today. Send me many gifts.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Please Allow Me To Get The Led Out
Today in London, 20,000 lucky souls got to see a reunited Led Zeppelin play together for the first time in two decades. I was not invited. Thus, I shall amuse myself by watching this clip from a video of the Seattle show during their 1977 US tour. (I cannot for the life of me figure out why this concert has not been released legitimately, but what do I know). So, turn the lights down low, cue the smoke machines and dry ice, crank up the volume, and enjoy.
Monday, December 03, 2007
What, Me Worry?
OK, OK, I know it's been a while and I owe you a new post. Greedy bastards. Well, there's a lot to cover, so let's get started.
You know things are getting out of control when a couple of Rex Grossman 30-yard Hail Mary heaves into the end zone cause your life to pass before your eyes. Fortunately, none of those heaves found their intended targets, and the Giants completed an impossible, improbable, head-scratching come-from-behind win against a tough opponent on the road in December.
In the words of the immortal Ricky Bobby, "That...just...HAPPENED."
But more importantly, let's remove the rectal thermometer the New York media constantly keeps up Eli's butt and check the reading this morning. Hmm....I'm seeing a 99.7. Not quite normal, but well on the road to recovery. Drink lots of fluids, plenty of bed rest, and for God's sake, hold onto the damn ball. Honestly, very impressive finish for our young squire Eli yesterday. After 3 quarters of football that can generously be described as "poor," Eli showed me something by not folding up the tent and calling it a day. Since he always gets compared to Big Ben and Phil Rivers, I'd like to know how many games those two guys have won where they stunk up the joint like that in the early going? Not many, I'd wager. I'm still not 100% sold on the kid at this point - he's hovering somewhere in between Jeff Hostetler and Dave Brown for me - but right now we're looking at 3 straight years in the playoffs. I'll take it.
Now, did anything happen in Metland recently? Oh yes, a trade, we had a trade. And WHAT a trade! Omar saw fit to dump a youthful speedster with a quick bat and high ceiling for a couple of spare parts from the worst offense in the NL. Well played, sir! Look, I was never a fan of Milledge. Too many headaches, too many strikeouts, too many embarassing brain farts in the outfield. I did not shed a tear when he was removed from my roster, and I understand that his trade value had dipped. But if you're gonna get back shit for him, just hang onto him. Not to toot my own horn, but I am on record as saying that Omar should've traded him back in July when all you guys were drooling all over him because of a 10-day hot streak. (Read this if you don't believe me). That was the time.
Now? Not the time. Not so much.
Having said that, I have to assume Omar didn't get retarded overnight, and this is hardly Kazmir-for-Zambrano. Perhaps the A's or O's covet Ryan Church more than I do, and he can put us over the top in a Haren or Bedard scenario. I don't know. But I do know this: if the best we can do is Livan Hernandez or Bartolo Colon, we sure-as-shit won't have to worry about letting any division lead slip away next year.