The Conversation, Unedited Version

Roger Clemens: Hullo?

Brian McNamee: Hey, Rocket, it's Mac.

RC: Oh, hey. Hang on a second. [fumbles with tape recorder] I'm back. Is there something I can help you with, former trainer Brian McNamee?

BM: Umm...not really. I just called to say I love you. I worship you. I'm in your corner. Anything you want me to do, I'll do.

RC: I see. Anything else?

BM: Yeah, I mean, you taught me how to raise my kids, Rocket. Which probably explains why one of them is growing a third ear out of his forehead.

RC: OK, let me stop you right there. I can't for the life of me believe that you are going around telling people I did steroids.

BM: What do you want me to do? I don't want to go to jail. What should I do? What can I do?

RC: I don't know, man. I'm upset. Debbie's a mess. Koby is getting taunted. Kylie walks around crying all the time. Kameron has ulcers. And don't get me started on Kodiak, Kelvin and Kinko.

BM: I mean, I told George Mitchell the tru--

RC: Chhhhkkkkkkkkkhhhhhh-- Sorry, Mac, I can't hear you, I'm going through a tunnel. Chhhhhkkkkkkkkkkhhhh.....

BM: Yeah, I was just saying I did what I had to do. I told Mitchell the tr--

RC: Chhhhhhhhhkkkkkkkhhhhhhhh....

BM: Well, whatever. More importantly, what can I do? What do you want me to do?

RC: Well...

BM: Is your car dirty? I can wash your car. I can clean your house. Tell me right now, and I'm running out to Target to get a bunch of Swiffer Dusters.

RC: Thanks, but I don't--

BM: Food! You looked kind of thin on 60 Minutes. Let me fly down there, I'll move in, and feed you breakfast in bed every morning. I'll even chew it for you and spit it into your mouth, just like we used to do every morning before your starts.

RC: Dude...

BM: There must be something I can do. How about sexual intercourse?

RC: No. Listen, Mac-- [beep] Hang on, I got another call. [click] Hello?

Suzyn Waldman: OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! RAWGAH CLEMENS...IS TAWKING TO ME ON THE TELEPHONE!! OF ALL THE DRAMATIC THINGS I'VE EVAH HEARD... [click]

RC: Yeah, I'm back. Listen, Mac, I'm havin' this press conference on Monday...

BM: You want me to show up? I can do that.

RC: Nah, I'm planning to play a tape of this conversation, and let them hear what a sniveling, simpering little scumbag you are. Then I'll let my straight-talkin' southern lawyer charm the socks off of everyone. And then I'll get all blustery and storm out of the very same press conference I organized. Oh, I might also sue you so I can avoid answering questions when I'm up before Congress.

BM: That sounds fine, old buddy. What should I do? What do you want me to do?

RC: Nothing. Just stay put.

BM: OK. And listen, man, I'm really, really sorry about telling everyone the tru--

RC: [click]