It's a good thing I learned a long time ago not to let my mood be affected by a game played by a bunch of strangers wearing Met uniforms. Otherwise, this team would have made me kill myself a long, long time ago.
Instead, it's far more enjoyable to dive right into the latest quiz!
Who's with me? Hah?
1. Complete this sentence: The Mets' bullpen ____________________.
(A) Might be their Achilles' heel.
(B) Sorely misses Billy Wagner.
(D) Is the worst, most pathetic bunch of has-beens, choke artists and junk-ball castoffs ever assembled in one place, and is easily responsible for a staggering 80% of their team's total losses in 2008.
2. Please identify the following sequence of numbers: 310000000
(A) The construction cost of Citi Field.
(B) A typical Met nine-inning line score.
(C) Jayson Werth's lifetime OPS against the Mets.
(D) The number of times I want to pound Shane Victorino in the teeth.
3. Complete this sentence: The very sight of Aaron Heilman makes me want to ______________.
(B) Shit my pants.
(C) Turn off the TV.
(D) Pound Shane Victorino in the teeth.
4. Why did Toasty Joe turn off the game in the 8th inning last night, with the Mets leading 7-5?
(A) He wanted to catch some of Hillary's speech at the DNC.
(B) The Mets were clearly never going to score again and the bullpen was most definitely going to give up at least 3 more runs, so why bother?
(C) The Daily Show was about to start.
(D) All of the above.
5. Has there ever been a bullpen this bad in the history of organized baseball?
(C) No fucking way.
(D) Yes. Ours may stink, but the 1898 Louisville Colonels had the deadly triumverate of Nick Altrock, Dad Clarke, and, of course, Frank Todd. Now THAT was a bad bullpen.
Answers are below.
5-4 correct: Congratulations, you're the 10-run lead the Mets had against the Phillies back in July. They tried their best to blow you, but inexplicably failed. Final score? 10-9 Mets. Whew!
2-3 correct: Not so good. You're the 6-4 lead the pen blew against the awful Padres on June 8. Final score? 8 to 6, Pads. Eight!!
1 correct: Terrible. You're the 4-0, 8th inning lead that Billy Wagner and Aaron Heiman combined to blow back on June 12. Final score? 5-4, D-Backs. Sweet.
0 correct: Shame on you. You're last night's 7-0 lead. You got blown by everyone in a Met uniform. You slut. Final score? 8-7, Phillies.
Correct answers: 1.D, 2.B, 3.C, 4.D, 5.C.