Pirates: Hey, Mets! I've been looking all over for you.
Mets: What's up, Pirates?
Pirates: I've been waiting to give you something for almost four months now. Here, take it.
Mets: What is it?
Pirates: It's a gift. Open it.
Mets: [opens it] Hey, you shouldn't have! [pause] What is it?
Pirates: You can't tell? It's a win! Enjoy it.
Mets: Oh, thanks, but I really can't accept this.
Pirates: No, see, look at it: I've staked you to an early four-run lead against a gawd-awful team on getaway day. Plus I threw in three Pirates errors! It's a goldmine. Have fun with it.
Mets: Thanks all the same, but you should really keep it.
Pirates: Me? I have no use for it. I'm like 107 games out of first place. I traded away my two best hitters and I'm basically fielding a double-A lineup. What the hell am I going to do with a "win"?
Mets: I don't know, but you should have it.
Pirates: Are you serious? What the hell is the matter with you?
Mets: See, I have no room for it. My closet is absolutely overflowing with stuff right now.
Pirates: Like what?
Mets: Well, take a look in here. [opens closet] See, I got a whole shelf full of leadoff walks. This next shelf is filled with HBPs. This next shelf? LOBs, tons of LOBs. And finally, the Heilman shelf: Screaming line drives and tape-measure home runs at the worst possible time. So you see, I got no room for this so-called "win."
Pirates: Maybe you can squeeze it in there behind the Duaner Sanchez velocity. That looks pretty small.
Mets: Hey, I got an idea. Here, take a few of these leadoff walks.
Pirates: You serious?
Mets: Sure! They're great when you're trailing by multiple runs in the late innings. Make sure you give a few to Luis Rivas. And while you're at it, here, have a few HBPs, on me.
Pirates: Gee, thanks!
Mets: Oh, and see that Heilman shelf? Go nuts.
Pirates: [stuffing his pockets] I don't know how to thank you for this!
Mets: Don't worry about it. Let's meet up again at your place next weekend. We'll have a drink.
Pirates: Until then. Hey, wait! You forgot your win! You should have room for it now.
Mets: Nah, you hang onto it. I'm expecting a whole crate of new meltdowns this week, I gotta save room.
Pirates: OK, then. See you next week.
Mets: Bye! Aaron Heilman sucks!