Make It Stop

Monday: OK, it was a tough weekend, but let's get up off the deck and take it to the Cubbies! They've got nothing to play for anyway. Man, that Jonathan Niese has a sick curveball, doesn't he? I think he's gonna be a keeper. Oh, crap. Well, the pitcher's up, so maybe we can get out of this inning alive. Oh, sweet merciful Christ. You have GOT to be joking. Has any team in history ever given up more grand slams to fucking pitchers? This is a joke. A sick fucking joke. We STINK. (Oh well, at least I can relax and watch my fantasy football matchup play out with Jets v. Chargers. Ahhh, a 5-point lead with 2 minutes to go. Good. This one's in the bag. What the....FUCK YOU, L.T.!! Argggggg.....)

Tuesday: Ugh, even with Johan on the hill, I can't bear to watch. They're so finished. I'll just peek in on my Blackberry. Christ on a crutch, down 2-0 already. Fuck this shit. I'll find somthing else to do tonight. Oh hell, let me just flip on the TV to see what's happening. 2-2, bases loaded, Reyes up? Well, let's just see what....YESSS!!!! That'll score 'em all! Joseeeeee, Jose Jose Jose..... Lock it down, Johan! Nice!!! We're alive, people! We're ALIVE!!

Wednesday: Man, what a performance by our ace last night. Just huge. I have a feeling we're gonna ride that wave tonight. Delgado's up and Zambrano's a mess right now. Whoa, mama, that's deep! That's DEEP! Grand slam!!! GRAND SLAM!!!!!! I love you, Carlos! I'm a first-class asshole for saying you should've been cut outright two months ago! Now c'mon, Ollie...nail it down baby! ...Fuck. Oh, fuck fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. Well, first and third, nobody out, maybe we can...fuck. Here we go again! First and third, nobody out, I'm sure this time we can....fuck!! Nice, Murphy!! Leadoff triple!! Winning run on third, nobody out!! Again!! I'm quite certain this time that one of these flailing chowderheads can somehow produce a simple fly ball to the outfie....FUCK!!!

Thursday: I'm done. Finished. Spent. I cannot watch a fucking minute of tonight's game. Eh, let me at least see the score, and then I'll turn it off. Hmmm, 2-1 Cubs. Well, let's just see how this inning plays out. Hey, Kevin Burkhardt is interviewing Lenny Dykstra. I think Lenny might be mentally retarded. Shit, 3-1. Why am I watching this crap? I'm turning it off...hey, big hit, Church!! 3-3, baby! Pedro's hanging in there...nice ovation for him, probably his last game at Shea. That's really great to see. Ricardo Rincon, eh? Hm, well if he....FUCK!! Terry Pendleton....Mike Scioscia....Eddie Perez....Luis Sojo....Yadier Molina....and Micah Fucking Hoffpauir. I'm done. Finished. Spent. I cannot watch another pitch. Here, let me hand over the remote so the wife can watch "Grey's Anatomy." Jesus, I think a 9-year-old can write better dialogue than this. Seriously. I'm not even joking. OK, I'll go in the other room and check out the score on line really quick. Hm, 6-4, some ducks on the pond. What? Jerry's letting Ramon Martinez hit? How can he do that? 6-5. Hm. What? Jerry's letting Robinson Cancel hit? How can he do that? Ummm, 6-6. Well then. I'll just flip on the bedroom TV to see how the rest of this inning plays out....oh, goody, just in time to see Easley whiff. I'm sure the pen will let the Cubs plate another 3-spot now. Wow, nice work Smith. Hey, leadoff hit from Reyes. Well, I'm sure he'll be stranded. What the hell, Murphy? A drunken giraffe could bunt better than that. Up to D. Wright, yet again. Yeegads. Maybe the A-Rod comparisons are appropriate after all. Well, looks like Beltran will have to make something happen. Meh. 2-0. Well, maybe he'll get something decent to hit for.....HEY NOW!!!! We WIN!!! WE WIN!!! We're BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY!!! (Urgh, Ryan Braun grand slam. This sucks. This sucks. This sucks...).

I need serious help.