Why Is This Man Smiling?

Answer: Because the steroids made his nuts shrink so much that he was relieved when he felt them still hanging on for dear life down there.

It's been a while since I've posted, so I figured A-Rod Day was as good a day as any to get back in the groove. My question to you is this: what's your favorite A-Rod memory? Here are my top ten, in no particular order:

(1) Topless sunbathing in Central Park.

I love this one - exhibitionism, vanity, and just the slightest tint of femininity. Plus, I got a kick out of how the guy can't even hang out in a fucking park without screwing it up.

The verdict: I give this one four out of five shrunken testes.

(2) "Single White Female."

For sheer comedy, this is a pretty good one. Of course, the fact that Joe Torre hasn't a clue what the hell "Single White Female" was kind of took the fun out of this one. Also, why have I not seen a doctored movie poster yet? You photoshoppers need to get on the stick.

The verdict: Two shrunken testes.

(3) Joslyn Morse

You remember her. Muscular, hulking blonde with whom Alex stepped out in Toronto. Best part about that story is that it led to the revelation that Alex prefers "muscular, she-male types." You can't put a price tag on that kind of information.

The verdict: Four and a half shrunken testes.

(4) Slappy Slapperson

A personal favorite, made all the more better by the fact that it happened in the midst of the biggest postseason collapse in baseball history. Oh, and it spawned this photoshop, which is an all-time classic, the likes of which will never be duplicated.

The verdict: Five shrunken testes.

(5) "Ha!"

Speaking of bush plays on the basepaths, you can't go wrong with what happened in Toronto in May of 2007, when Alex decided the surest way to pad the Yankees' lead was to scream into Howie Clark's ear when Mr. Clark was trying to catch a pop-up. Real nice.

The verdict: Four shrunken testes.

(6) Madonna

For pete's sake, he can't even get a divorce right. It's one thing to run around with muscular she-males like Joslyn Morse when you know you're being watched by media at all times, but it's another thing entirely to do it with the most famous muscular she-male of them all (and a married one, to boot), Madonna. Very bright.

The verdict: Three and a half shrunken testes.

(7) "When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking or I'm biracial."

A'Rod's ham-handed attempt to (sort of, kind of) play the race card during a 2006 interview with SI belongs on this list. It's just so pathetic and misguided, it makes Willie Randolph's "I don't know....it smells a bit" quote seem like something out of a Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. speech.

(8) The 2007 World Series

This is a fun one - he managed to screw up a post-season series he didn't even play in. Just in case you forgot, A-Rod thought the fifth inning of the clinching game of the 2007 World Series between the Red Sox and Rockies was a perfect time to let the media know that he was opting out of his contract with the Yankees. I'm sure this was all part of his campaign to be as widely despised as is humanly possible.

The verdict: Three shrunken testes.

(9) "FUCK YOU."

Let's see...he's screwed up the 2007 World Series....his divorce....cheating on his wife....hanging out in the park....how about just letting his wife sit quietly in the stands to watch him play? There's no way he can screw that up, right? No, there's just no....oh, crap.

The verdict: Three and a half shrunken testes.

(10) Steroids.

Yes, we close with the biggest news of the day, A-Rod's admission that he regularly took the juice from around 2001-2003. But, of course, he screwed up the apology by saying that he did it because he felt "pressure" after being made the highest-paid player in, well, history. Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, you horse's ass.

The verdict: One shrunken teste, just because I'm sick of it all.