2009 Season Preview
If you've been waiting for a season preview, well, wait no longer. With the unwitting help of a few old friends, I humbly present a peek into our collective baseball lives a few months from now:Toasty Joe: My favorite baseball team used to be good. Really good. Now they're only kinda good.
Coop: (on the phone) Hold on, let me check the standings. Third place! Let me try this again. [exasperated sigh]
Rickey Henderson: (slapping his hand against the side of his TV) This team should be a lot, lot better. Mom!! This baseball team is SO...BAD!!
Metstradamus: (sad) I love my team. I don't know what happened! They're just not as good as they used to be.
Voiceover: If you're a GM and your team doesn't play like they're supposed to; if your pitching staff is unreliable, even on a so-called "elite" team; even if your brand-new free agents aren't as good as they ought to be, you might not have any real problem at all! Log on to "FinallyGood.com," take the free performance test, and find out how to make your team play well, the way they're supposed to! We'll immediately diagnose any hidden problems, and show you how to optimize your team's performance by automatically signing the players that most people don't even know exist! Learn how to make your team play like new by getting rid of all the nasty junk players - Tim Redding, Freddy Garcia, Livan Hernandez and Luis Castillo - who make even the best teams freeze and crash!
Coop: (still on the phone) They're playing great now! I'll send you the standings in an e-mail! Sent!
Rickey Henderson: (on the phone) Dude!! They're finally GOOD! FinallyGood.com!!
Toasty Joe: I booted up. What's that "URL" I should look at? "FinallyGood.com." Hey! My team's finally good! Finally! "FinallyGood.com"!
***
Editor's note: Not a guarantee of future performance. Hell, I could be dead wrong and they'll surge past the Phillies in April. Oh, and special thanks to Coop, Rickey, and Metstradamus for letting me use their names, even though I didn't ask them (so it's not like they even had a choice anyway).
posted by Toasty Joe at 11:17 AM
7 Comments:
I love it Toasty! Do you know how many people are giving me grief about Pedro and all these retreads the Mets seem to back themselves into a corner signing? If we had just spent money on one of the following: Burnett, Lowe, or Garland (who despite his lackluster stats in the AL would thrive in the NL, so expect that to bite us in the ass later), we wouldn't need to be like - well, that Pedro Martinez guy looks good. Yes the same Pedro martinez who's F'd us over in the last three seasons. Just say NO to Pedro. Just say NO to retreads. We've figured it out Toasty! Doesn't take rocket scientist yet to the Mets, it IS.
12:37 PM
Agreed. At this point, give the ball to Niese and hope for the best. For crying out loud, Tim Redding got shelled by the MICHIGAN WOLVERINES!
12:54 PM
Hah, great stuff sir. Rickey only wishes he'll have that much levity when we're 10 games under .500 in July.
5:10 PM
Metstradamus: (sad)
Yeah, that sounds like July!
10:50 PM
But he's a great leader...Bah
9:49 AM
I am grateful(and a little disturbed) that Rickey didn't protest the fact that he landed the starring role in this parody as the whiny teenager who shrieks to his mom about the internet connection.
2:09 PM
Having grown up in a rural area with a meager 56K, Rickey would inform you that sadly, your characterization isn't all that far off base. Rickey was badly in need of FINALLY FAST.
8:19 AM
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