2009 Season Preview

If you've been waiting for a season preview, well, wait no longer. With the unwitting help of a few old friends, I humbly present a peek into our collective baseball lives a few months from now:

Toasty Joe: My favorite baseball team used to be good. Really good. Now they're only kinda good.

Coop: (on the phone) Hold on, let me check the standings. Third place! Let me try this again. [exasperated sigh]

Rickey Henderson: (slapping his hand against the side of his TV) This team should be a lot, lot better. Mom!! This baseball team is SO...BAD!!

Metstradamus: (sad) I love my team. I don't know what happened! They're just not as good as they used to be.

Voiceover: If you're a GM and your team doesn't play like they're supposed to; if your pitching staff is unreliable, even on a so-called "elite" team; even if your brand-new free agents aren't as good as they ought to be, you might not have any real problem at all! Log on to "FinallyGood.com," take the free performance test, and find out how to make your team play well, the way they're supposed to! We'll immediately diagnose any hidden problems, and show you how to optimize your team's performance by automatically signing the players that most people don't even know exist! Learn how to make your team play like new by getting rid of all the nasty junk players - Tim Redding, Freddy Garcia, Livan Hernandez and Luis Castillo - who make even the best teams freeze and crash!

Coop: (still on the phone) They're playing great now! I'll send you the standings in an e-mail! Sent!

Rickey Henderson: (on the phone) Dude!! They're finally GOOD! FinallyGood.com!!

Toasty Joe: I booted up. What's that "URL" I should look at? "FinallyGood.com." Hey! My team's finally good! Finally! "FinallyGood.com"!

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Editor's note: Not a guarantee of future performance. Hell, I could be dead wrong and they'll surge past the Phillies in April. Oh, and special thanks to Coop, Rickey, and Metstradamus for letting me use their names, even though I didn't ask them (so it's not like they even had a choice anyway).