Five Dollar Footlong

Well, those privileged enough to be at the cozy friendly quirky confines of Citi Field last night (which does not include me) were blessed with one of the weirdest games this commentator has ever seen. Consider:

Johan Santana's pitching line. 6 innings, 120 pitches, 11 Ks, 6 walks. Say what?

Adam Dunn's 678-foot home run. Yikes pipes. I actually went and checked the roof deck of my apartment in Brooklyn to make sure it didn't knock over our new CB2 main-sail umbrella. (By the way, that's the same umbrella that threatens to do a Mary Poppins off the roof every time there's stiff wind. Perhaps we should've thought that purchase through a bit more).

Fernando Martinez petulantly rolling his eyes instead of heading towards first base on a pop-up that, of course, fell in. C'mon 'Nando. At least made a move towards first. At least start walking there. Give me something to work with here. That was HORRIFIC. If he's in the starting lineup tonight, it will be a disgrace of Willie-sized proportions.

Dan Murphy, a canary-colored Subway billboard, a clueless right-fielder, and Sheff being Sheff. I have now seen this replay about 25 times, and honest to God, I still have no idea what happened -- which means, in my opinion, the umps probably should've let the call on the field stand. But hey - we've still got a long way to go to make up for all the shit Angel Hernandez has pulled over the years, so I'm taking all the breaks I can get.

Now, speaking of video review, I have to weigh in on Saturday night's game up in Boston (which I haven't done yet because I've been a slacker of the highest magnitude). I said it at the time - I can't recall a more unbelievable regular-season win for this team since - well, maybe ever. Maybe. At a bare minimum, we surely learned at least two things:

(a) Omir Santos needs to catch every day. Every. Single. Day. I love everything about his game, from the clutch hits, gritty at-bats, game-calling, defense - everything. I'm so over Ramon and his flabby, enormous head, his strikeouts, and clueless catching abilities. Let Schneider come back and handle day games after night games, but it's Omir all the way.

(b) J.J. Putz stinks. He was lucky to survive Saturday night with his life. Plus, he's issued 16 walks to 18 Ks. That's good. You always want a multitude of guys on base when you're an 8th inning specialist. Is there anything we can get for this guy on the open market? Thoughts??

(Maybe I'm being harsh, but I am developing a serious Bobby Parnell man-crush. There's our 8th inning solution right there. Love that man).

Follow the Leaders!

First up... you know him as the roly-poly maestro of over-pronunciation... a man who incapable of adding anything of value to any broadcast beyond pronouncing names like "Ramirez" and "Gonzalez" like some third-rate seventh-grade Spanish teacher... a man who voluntarily shows up on national television dressed like a fried egg (see picture, credit to Bronxbombersblog)... why, it's Jon Miller!

Next up... a Hall of Fame second baseman from the Cincinnati Reds... probably the stupidest motherfucking broadcaster ever to walk God's green earth... a man who once said "leadoff walks are worse than other walks, because you give the other team a better chance of bringing that run around." A man who prefaces every single observation - no matter how trivial, banal, or obvious - with "I've always said that..." Yes, it's your favorite and mine, Joe Morgan!

And, finally, ESPN is immensely proud to introduce a new addition to the already-impeccable Sunday Night team. A former GM and serial philanderer... a man who thinks Carlos Beltran needs to make more "game-winning plays" to be a "leader".... Steve Phillips!

Got a question about who the "leaders" are on the Mets, if any? You're in luck!

Hear Jon, Joe and Steve talk about the Mets needing a "leader" - for three hours straight!

Watch in awe as they discuss what it means to be a "leader"!

Listen in amazement as "leadership" qualities - none of which have anything to do with banalities such as batting average, RBI, OBP, slugging percentage, or hitting, fielding, and running abilities - are addressed in full!

Listen as Joe reports how Met fans "are still waiting for Beltran to get on a hot streak"! That's right...batting over .400 for the first six weeks of the season is for non-"leaders"!

Hear Steve destroy Beltran for a single at-bat that took place three years ago - and learn that a true "leader" bats 1.000 for his career, commits 0 errors, and makes 0 baserunning blunders!

Watch as Jon continues to resemble a fried egg....but a fried egg with "leadership" qualities!

It's ESPN's Leader Sunday Night Baseball! Catch the leader fever!

Oh, and there might also be a baseball game being played.

Leader!!

A Fella Could Get Used To This

No, I'm not just talking about my seats for last night's game, which, as you can see from this picture, were, um, rather good. More on that later. I'm also talking about 4 straight wins, second straight series sweep against a division rival, fourth straight strong starting pitching performance, fourth straight save for Frankie, an actual home run explosion in Citi Field of all places, and so on and so forth. Tons of positive signs right now: D. Wright is most certainly out of his mind-bendingly awful slump, Beltran is so locked in it isn't even funny, Johan is ridiculous, Reyes may have gotten off the shnide last night (we shall see), the defense has been solid, Parnell is awesome, Perez is safely on the DL. All wondrous things. (Negative side of the ledger? Ryan Church looks lost right now.)

A few notes about the recent events:

1. Shane Victorino is a bush-leaguer who badly needs a fastball in the ribcage. I think everyone can agree on this.

2. The crowd really enjoyed the display of Jerry Manuel's temper last night. Good to see. I know he ain't perfect, but I still like him. Let's give him a full start-to-finish season under his belt and reevaluate him then.

3. If the 2008 Mets had just ONE of the (non-Feliciano) pitchers in the 2009 bullpen, they would've won the division by about 10 games.

4. A brief word about our friends, the Phillie fans. First of all, I never heard a peep from these fans for 25+ years until 2007. Not a damned word. And now that they've all oozed out from whatever rock they were hiding under, I have never, ever, seen a group of fans more obsessed with a team other than their own than Phillie fans are with the Mets. It's beyond ridiculous at this point. Just hop on over to the various comment boards on the 700 Level for a peek. Jeebus, their team WON THE WORLD SERIES! Yet all they think about, talk about, scream about, fret about, and worry about is the New York Mets. By point of comparison, I am a Giant fan. When the G-Men won the Super Bowl last year, do you think I actually spent the next few months pulling my hair out over every little thing that the Eagles were doing? They were like a small, dirty piece of gum on my shoe: barely regarded as anything other than a minor anoyance. So, by all means, keep it up, Philly fans. Your team can win 1,000 championships, but you still won't win any class.

(Incidentally, the irony of fans who all root for the Philadelphia Eagles talking about "choking" is simply delicious.)

5. So, as you can see from the above picture, we had some ree-donk-ulous seats last night. Just a fantabulous way to watch a ball game. The concession area behind home plate is truly something to behold. It's basically like a first-class lounge at the airport. A fully appointed bar, no lines for anything, a marble-walled bathroom with a hi-def TV, different food stations, etc. Plus Shake Shack delivered right to your seat. Oh so nice.

Finally, what do these players have in common? Manny Ramirez, Alex Rodriguez, Jose Canseco, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Gary Sheffield, Mike Stanton, Dan Naulty, Darren Holmes, Jason Grimsley, Chuck Knoblauch, Glenallen Hill, Matt Lawton, Denny Neagle, David Bell, Kevin Brown, Jason Giambi, Randy Velarde, Ron Villone, Ricky Bones, Rondell White, and David Justice? Well, two things:

(1) They are all known steroid/PED users; and

(2) They have all played under Joe Torre.

Just sayin'.

Open Letters Are Fun

Prior to this weekend's games in Philadelphia (where the accompanying picture was snapped - see link here), you might've seen a hard-hitting piece of journalism in the Philadelphia Inquirer by one John Gonzalez. In case you missed it, you can click on the link above, but here's a sampling:

Dear Mets fans,

It's been a while since you last came to visit. You weren't missed all that much. We love to hate each other, sure, but it was kind of nice without you.

This is your first trip to town since last August. Philly has been a little busy since then. There was the World Series and the parade and the ring ceremony and, man, it just hasn't stopped. You probably saw most of it on TV since you didn't have much else to do after September. You remember all the pageantry that goes along with being a world champion, right? No? Well, maybe you have some faded pictures of 1986 in a shoebox somewhere.

Well, this whole "open letter" thing sounded like fun. His was pretty good, but I thought it required a few tweaks here and there. I think my version works a little better.

Dear Mets Phillie fans,

It's been a while since you last came to visit showered. You weren't missed educated all that much. We love to hate each other, sure, but it was kind of nice without chuckling at you.

This is your first trip to town parole hearing since last August. Philly New York has been a little busy since then. There was the World Series and the parade and the ring ceremony Broadway, the Met, MOMA, Times Square, Central Park, Lincoln Center, top-flight restaurants, the Guggenheim, Greenwich Village, SoHo, the Empire State Building, the Financial District, the Brooklyn Bridge, Prospect Park, the Statue of Liberty, four Super Bowl Championships, and two new world-class baseball stadiums and, man, it just hasn't stopped. You probably saw most of it on TV punched your sister since you didn't have much else to do after September getting out of the drunk tank. You remember all the pageantry that goes along with being a world champion first-class city, right? No? Well, maybe you have some faded pictures of 1986 1776 in a shoebox somewhere.

Ahhh. Much better.